People keep asking me if I'm enjoying motherhood. This question, however legitimate, only really has one right answer. You can't say, "no I fucking hate it, I'm overwhelmed, tired and I want to go get drunk, but I can't because she eats every hour." I do like motherhood. I like how my daughter responds to my presence, how she calms at my voice and smiles when I tickle her tummy, I like our afternoon naps together when we curl up facing each other and snuggle. It seems like a funny question in some ways too, because it's not like a bad haircut you can grow out and change. It's not even like adopting an animal you don't have time for. Now, and for the rest of my life, I will be a mother. It's not really about liking it or not liking it's about doing the best I can.
Tom bought me a motorcycle when I was eight and half months pregnant. I thought it was hilarious. When would I ever have the time or energy to learn to ride? Yet last night I found myself dreaming about riding it. I felt so free like I was flying. I would like to have the time to learn, right now it feels like I never will, but I know it won't always be like this. Leila won't always need me so hard. She will learn to find others almost as reassuring as me. And then I'll be jealous she's not wholly mine any longer. Or maybe I won't....
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