calming stormy waters

Yesterday afternoon Tom and I went to Amanda's. To grieve? To sit around? To do whatever it is you do when you're shocked and saddened by the sudden randomness of life.

While we were there, Ryan Wagner called Amanda to ask her why we weren't at Krista's, where the many other sad folks had gathered to share stories and soak themselves in beer and cigarette smoke. I didn't felt like I was close enough to Devon have a legitimate reason to be there; I thought I would be intruding. Also, I've partied at that house enough to know it's not really the sort of place you bring a baby. But we went anyway, we thought she'd see how long she could hold out. When we pulled up to the house on East 15th, there were the saddest looking people I'd ever seen sprawled over the lawn and down the front steps that we've all sat on million times. The air was warm and smelled like spring and it seemed that all the dogs in East Van, including Norton, were there.

It felt good and right to be there in the end. No one looked at me and told me shouldn't be there. Rather it felt like we were adding to the collective love and sorrow, the madness of a million tears and the somewhat hysterical laughter that seems to accompany deep sadness. It was good to remember Devon in our own way. The sadness came in waves. We laughed and then someone would put on a sad song and we'd all hold each other like the world was ending and cry. Leila had her little mohawk patted by more people than I can count. I'm sure they didn't wash their hands first, but she's fine. She did them more good than the harm she received. And I noticed something interesting happening, every time I would retreat to the living room to feed her I would be the only one there, sitting on the world's most perfect nursing chair with no arms and straight back, and people would drift in and say, "oooh a baby," so by the time I was done feeding her the room would be full of people. People talking about babies. Talking about one of the million dogs that were there. Talking about Devon.