+15 Part 3
8 years ago
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
the finite and the ever-after.
The time that Leila and I have that used to seem to infinite seems much more finite now. These days and days that would hang haphazardly from the string of weeks, and months, are drawing to an end. Soon I'll be working. Soon she'll be with her dad half the week. Soon. Soon. But now, right now, she's in the other room sleeping. And I am here. Waiting to be her mother again as soon as she wakes.
Friday, January 7, 2011
it's been a long time, baby.
Dear Leila,
I missed your ten month birthday, I'm sorry. There's a lot going on right now little bean. Your dad and I aren't very happy with each other. We love you immensely though. Never doubt that. Of all the things in your life that you should doubt, please, never doubt that.
Doubt that the world is round. That floral print was ever cool. That it was a good idea to let you steal Norton's toys. That so-and-so is a good date to the dance. But please, never, ever doubt that your dad and I love you more than anything. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. You usually seem happiest when I am. So, I'm trying to make the changes in life to have that happen.
I knew before you were born that I would love you. When you were just this tiny little lump that made me throw up five or six times a day I knew that I loved you then. There was a heatwave the summer I was pregnant with you and I would drink water all day long and then lie with my face on the cool, concrete floor of the bathroom and think of you, who you would be, and how much I would adore you, all the adventures we would have together. I still feel like that, although now you are real, and wonderful and very present. You are the center of my universe and you will always be. I knew I would love you but I didn't know I would love you this much. I didn't know you would become my heart. That it would be through my love for you that I would feel the rest of the world. I've never been very tough. I cry at movies, at books. But since you were born I feel a million times more. You have become every child. Any time I hear of a child being hurt I cry. I can't help it. I understand now. You're it. You're the reason we do everything. The reason we drag ourselves out of bed in the morning is because sometimes you bury your head in my shoulder and wrap your arms around me and then look at me and smile.
I'm here bean. You and your dad are going to spend the next three days together, flying solo, playing games, causing mischief, and I will miss you like my right hand. But even when I can't be with you my love will find you. It will find you on transistor radio waves. It will come to you in the middle of the night in your dreams. I'm in every lullaby that gets sung to you. In every heart that beats close to yours. I'm there, loving you.
oxo
Mom
I missed your ten month birthday, I'm sorry. There's a lot going on right now little bean. Your dad and I aren't very happy with each other. We love you immensely though. Never doubt that. Of all the things in your life that you should doubt, please, never doubt that.
Doubt that the world is round. That floral print was ever cool. That it was a good idea to let you steal Norton's toys. That so-and-so is a good date to the dance. But please, never, ever doubt that your dad and I love you more than anything. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. You usually seem happiest when I am. So, I'm trying to make the changes in life to have that happen.
I knew before you were born that I would love you. When you were just this tiny little lump that made me throw up five or six times a day I knew that I loved you then. There was a heatwave the summer I was pregnant with you and I would drink water all day long and then lie with my face on the cool, concrete floor of the bathroom and think of you, who you would be, and how much I would adore you, all the adventures we would have together. I still feel like that, although now you are real, and wonderful and very present. You are the center of my universe and you will always be. I knew I would love you but I didn't know I would love you this much. I didn't know you would become my heart. That it would be through my love for you that I would feel the rest of the world. I've never been very tough. I cry at movies, at books. But since you were born I feel a million times more. You have become every child. Any time I hear of a child being hurt I cry. I can't help it. I understand now. You're it. You're the reason we do everything. The reason we drag ourselves out of bed in the morning is because sometimes you bury your head in my shoulder and wrap your arms around me and then look at me and smile.
I'm here bean. You and your dad are going to spend the next three days together, flying solo, playing games, causing mischief, and I will miss you like my right hand. But even when I can't be with you my love will find you. It will find you on transistor radio waves. It will come to you in the middle of the night in your dreams. I'm in every lullaby that gets sung to you. In every heart that beats close to yours. I'm there, loving you.
oxo
Mom
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