The other day our friend Chris was talking about how with Leila he has the sense of being part of someone's past. I know what he means. For her, everything is the future. All of what we are doing now will someday make up the tapestry of her childhood, her past.
I imagine her, at seventeen, beautiful and awkward like teenage girls are, sitting in some boy's car talking about her crazy parents and the shit they did when she was young. I imagine there will be stories of camping trips, rides on the backs of motorcycles, a black and white dog called Norton, travel to strange places, and how her parents didn't have cable but did let her watch the Beatles movie Yellow Submarine as many times as she wanted.
And I hope that the me of her memory loves her as much as the one writing this does.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
three steps back
If my grammar, spelling or general sense sucks today, I'm sorry, I got three hours of sleep last night. Tom likes to point out that I'm prone to exaggerations like, "I was up a million times with the baby last night." This time, however, no hyperbole is needed.
I went to bed around 11 last night and Leila woke up when she heard me come in the room so I nursed her. I had just put her back in her own bed when Tom came in at 12 and woke her up again. It's not his fault, she's a light sleeper when she's first asleep, anyway I tried to nurse her again, but she wasn't having any of it, so I tired to rock her and again she wasn't having any of it. She was wide awake and thrashing around. So I turned on the light and hung out with her for a while, she was pretty quiet and docile and pooped twice. Her diaper basically looked like a very large person had blown their nose in it, poor bean. Her insides are obviously still not happy. Anyway, the last time I looked at the clock it was 2:10am. Then she was up again at 3:30am. And then again for real at 5:30am. Between 5:30 and 7 she sort of thrashed around while I lay their half-awake but too tired to do anything about it. At 7 I got up and gave her to Tom (who had wisely chosen the living-room as a place of more uninterrupted rest), and then I slept for another hour until he left for work.
Basically, I want to die. I am so tired I think my brain is going to fall out of my head. You know that weird dissociated feeling you get when you drink too much cough syrup? That's me, all the time. Also, my landlord is renovating the suite downstairs so while I attempt to nap all I'll hear are hammers...
I went to bed around 11 last night and Leila woke up when she heard me come in the room so I nursed her. I had just put her back in her own bed when Tom came in at 12 and woke her up again. It's not his fault, she's a light sleeper when she's first asleep, anyway I tried to nurse her again, but she wasn't having any of it, so I tired to rock her and again she wasn't having any of it. She was wide awake and thrashing around. So I turned on the light and hung out with her for a while, she was pretty quiet and docile and pooped twice. Her diaper basically looked like a very large person had blown their nose in it, poor bean. Her insides are obviously still not happy. Anyway, the last time I looked at the clock it was 2:10am. Then she was up again at 3:30am. And then again for real at 5:30am. Between 5:30 and 7 she sort of thrashed around while I lay their half-awake but too tired to do anything about it. At 7 I got up and gave her to Tom (who had wisely chosen the living-room as a place of more uninterrupted rest), and then I slept for another hour until he left for work.
Basically, I want to die. I am so tired I think my brain is going to fall out of my head. You know that weird dissociated feeling you get when you drink too much cough syrup? That's me, all the time. Also, my landlord is renovating the suite downstairs so while I attempt to nap all I'll hear are hammers...
Monday, June 21, 2010
captain cuddles
Finally, some answers. I feel like I've been beating my head against a door with most of the medical professionals in my life for the past couple of months. I'm sure doctors and public health nurses hear a lot of first time moms freaking out, but on the odd chance that a mother is actually in touch with her child and is clamouring, "something's wrong, something's wrong" over and over again it would be nice if they listened.
I haven't wanted to write about how I think Leila has something 'wrong' with her for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly because she is, in so many ways, such a wonderful perfect being that it feels wrong to complain about her. That being said, she hasn't been very happy lately and it came to a head last week when she would arch her back and scream like she was being tortured on and of all day. On Friday, after talking to about four different public health nurses on the phone, I made an appointment to see my doctor, however, she was unavailable so I saw another doctor at the practice who was awesome. I want her adopt me and Leila as her patients. I hope she will. At any rate, she listened to my tale of woe about how Leila wakes up every hour during the night, seems to be in pain, and has green poop. She asked a bunch of questions and then told me it sounds like Leila has a protein intolerance. This means I have to cut out my beloved dairy (I love cheese), nuts, shell-fish, and eggs. You know, just most of my diet. I'd already cut dairy out about a week before on the off chance it was the cause of her unhappiness, but I was still eating the rest of it. The good news is by the time most babies are six months to a year old their stomachs have developed to the point where they, and their breast-feeding mothers, can eat these proteins again,
Anyway, this protein intolerance basically leads to inflamed guts which are obviously no fun for a little person, so it's no wonder she was waking up miserable in the middle of the night and never wanted me to put her down during the day. When I'm sick I still want my mom to take care of me, so it seems only reasonable that she would want to be in my arms at all times. It's supposed to take about a month to see results from this new diet, but Leila already seems much happier. This new found peace seems to fragile I am almost scared to say anything about it in fear that giving it a name will make it slip away. For now though, all three of us are happy.
I haven't wanted to write about how I think Leila has something 'wrong' with her for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly because she is, in so many ways, such a wonderful perfect being that it feels wrong to complain about her. That being said, she hasn't been very happy lately and it came to a head last week when she would arch her back and scream like she was being tortured on and of all day. On Friday, after talking to about four different public health nurses on the phone, I made an appointment to see my doctor, however, she was unavailable so I saw another doctor at the practice who was awesome. I want her adopt me and Leila as her patients. I hope she will. At any rate, she listened to my tale of woe about how Leila wakes up every hour during the night, seems to be in pain, and has green poop. She asked a bunch of questions and then told me it sounds like Leila has a protein intolerance. This means I have to cut out my beloved dairy (I love cheese), nuts, shell-fish, and eggs. You know, just most of my diet. I'd already cut dairy out about a week before on the off chance it was the cause of her unhappiness, but I was still eating the rest of it. The good news is by the time most babies are six months to a year old their stomachs have developed to the point where they, and their breast-feeding mothers, can eat these proteins again,
Anyway, this protein intolerance basically leads to inflamed guts which are obviously no fun for a little person, so it's no wonder she was waking up miserable in the middle of the night and never wanted me to put her down during the day. When I'm sick I still want my mom to take care of me, so it seems only reasonable that she would want to be in my arms at all times. It's supposed to take about a month to see results from this new diet, but Leila already seems much happier. This new found peace seems to fragile I am almost scared to say anything about it in fear that giving it a name will make it slip away. For now though, all three of us are happy.
fathers' day
To the two most important fathers in my life, Tom and my dad, I love you both so much. Your daughters are continually blessed by your generosity and love. Thank you, you are so much more important than you can ever know.
Monday, June 14, 2010
rhonda ross
Tom's family is wonderful. Really and truly, I would marry him for his family alone, the fact that he's lovely too is just an added bonus. Rhonda, Tom's mom, just left to go home to Ontario after a ten day visit. I'm not sure I can even explain how sad this makes me.
She stayed with us right after Leila was born and when she left I felt like a limb was missing. Who was going to hold Leila while I showered or tied my shoes? Who was going to bring over apple juice without me even asking? This last week has been so much easier with her around. She went with me to get Leila's shots. We went grocery shopping together. She held the baby while I cooked supper. She told me I was doing a good job. She rocked the baby to sleep when I could do nothing to calm her. She made me feel like what I was doing was important, and that I was doing it well.
She stayed with us right after Leila was born and when she left I felt like a limb was missing. Who was going to hold Leila while I showered or tied my shoes? Who was going to bring over apple juice without me even asking? This last week has been so much easier with her around. She went with me to get Leila's shots. We went grocery shopping together. She held the baby while I cooked supper. She told me I was doing a good job. She rocked the baby to sleep when I could do nothing to calm her. She made me feel like what I was doing was important, and that I was doing it well.
Rhonda and a sleeping Leila in Kelowna this weekend
after she took her for a walk so I could take a nap.
Rhonda and Ray will be back in August, but in the meantime I feel like I'm back to doing it alone. I know I can call and we can email each other, but it's not the same. There's no way for her to hold the baby over the internet.
It's not just that Rhonda is helpful and loving to me, she loves Leila more than almost anything on the planet. She likes to watch Leila take a bath and do all her little playing things. She adores her granddaughter so much. It makes me feel like a part of something bigger and better. Tonight we all sat on the bed and Rhonda read Leila Good Night Moon. I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as you love your children, but seeing Rhonda with Leila I get the sense that maybe you get to feel that incredible, all-consuming love again when you have grandchildren.
Today Rhonda was telling me a story about a man who was complaining that although it was sunny right then the weather forecast said it was going to rain, to which she responded, "well isn't it lovely that it is so warm and sunny out right now!" So I guess instead of crying over how much I miss Rhonda, I should be grateful to have such a kind, generous and loving mother in law. And I am. Her love and support keep me going.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
four monthday
Dear Leila,
Today you are four months old. We had such a good day today even though it was raining and awful and we didn't leave the house. You've decided it's ok to fall asleep in my arms again which is really nice and it makes nap time so much easier. You've also learned to roll over though you've only done it twice now. You still don't like it much when I put you down, but you do really like lying on the bed cuddling, playing and reading stories. This afternoon we read a book about space that belonged to me when I was little. I think it might have been a little over your head, but you really liked the pictures of the Sun and Mercury.
Right now you think I'm the awesomest thing in the world and that's a pretty special feeling. You smile when I talk and reach out to grab my face when I kiss you. For the record, I think you're the most special thing in the world too. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you, and I hope you always know that.
xoxoxox
Mom
Today you are four months old. We had such a good day today even though it was raining and awful and we didn't leave the house. You've decided it's ok to fall asleep in my arms again which is really nice and it makes nap time so much easier. You've also learned to roll over though you've only done it twice now. You still don't like it much when I put you down, but you do really like lying on the bed cuddling, playing and reading stories. This afternoon we read a book about space that belonged to me when I was little. I think it might have been a little over your head, but you really liked the pictures of the Sun and Mercury.
Right now you think I'm the awesomest thing in the world and that's a pretty special feeling. You smile when I talk and reach out to grab my face when I kiss you. For the record, I think you're the most special thing in the world too. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you, and I hope you always know that.
xoxoxox
Mom
Afternoon cuddles are the best kind of cuddles.
gypsy baby version 2.0
So we're taking Leila to Kelowna for the weekend to attend aunt Anne's graduation. This might not seem like a big deal, but the last time I took Leila out of town she screamed the entire time. I'm not even kidding. I went to see my parents and I only made it one day because she screamed bloody murder from the moment we got off the ferry to the moment we got back on. Maybe she doesn't like islands? She was only two and half months old then though, and today, today she is four months old! Hopefully, this will make a world of difference.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Flail Blog
Last night, like most nights, Leila woke up at some point just enough to thrash around like a fifteen pound salmon out of water. Tom and I lay there giggling about how much noise she was making. Then Tom turned to me and said, "you should probably change the name of your blog to flailblog.com."
Friday, June 4, 2010
only in dreams
I had this terrible dream last night that I let something bad happen to Leila. As dreams go, the details today are somewhat unclear, but somehow I let her get burned before I understood what was going on. Once I understood it was too late and I knew she was going to die. The people in my dream were trying to convince me it would be alright, I could have another one, one who would be less work, who wouldn't cry as much, but I was trying to pick her up out of the fire and hold her to me and she bravely was trying to smile. All that was left of her was the dimple of her right cheek as she smiled at me.
I've been haunted by the memory of this dream all day. I've held her solid, warm little body to my chest and inhaled the smell of her skin, her hair. Yet somehow the specter of her pain has hung over me making me feel guilty for something I haven't done. Maybe it is the weight of the unconscious, my fears and doubts I haven't let pass through my lips taking shape in a dream. As though part of me wished her out of existence. I love her more than anything in the universe. I love her so hard I feel like my chest is going to crack from the internal pressure. But it's not easy going and sometimes, at five in the morning, I've wished I could have it all back the way it used to be.
When I was very small my grandmother used to tell me that she wouldn't trade me for all the rice in China. And upon reflection, I realize that I wouldn't trade Leila for all the late nights out, for all the travels and adventures, for all the glasses of wine, for all the late mornings in the world.
I've been haunted by the memory of this dream all day. I've held her solid, warm little body to my chest and inhaled the smell of her skin, her hair. Yet somehow the specter of her pain has hung over me making me feel guilty for something I haven't done. Maybe it is the weight of the unconscious, my fears and doubts I haven't let pass through my lips taking shape in a dream. As though part of me wished her out of existence. I love her more than anything in the universe. I love her so hard I feel like my chest is going to crack from the internal pressure. But it's not easy going and sometimes, at five in the morning, I've wished I could have it all back the way it used to be.
When I was very small my grandmother used to tell me that she wouldn't trade me for all the rice in China. And upon reflection, I realize that I wouldn't trade Leila for all the late nights out, for all the travels and adventures, for all the glasses of wine, for all the late mornings in the world.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
back-seat parenting
I try hard not to back seat parent other peoples' children. It's hard enough when you haven't slept in five million years and you're having however many zillions of challenges with breastfeeding/getting them to sleep/teething without someone offering unsolicited advice. If someone asks, I'll tell them what I think, but I don't just throw my two cents in because I've been a mother for four months. I figure it takes longer than four months of doing just about anything to get good at it, so I should just hold my peace.
Most of my baby friends feel the same way. I've been very lucky to make two good friends with babies a month older than Leila. We went to prenatal yoga together and now we go to mom and baby drop in, and for walks around the neighbourhood. They are lovely, supportive, generous, kind women who I am so grateful to have in my life. We share strategies on dealing with our babies and when asked, say things like, "this worked for me." And it's been so helpful. It doesn't hurt that their babies are absolutely adorable.
That being said, not everyone feels the same way. Some people seem to feel that what they're doing with their child(ren) is the right thing and everyone else should be following them. This makes me ridiculously angry. Mostly, I feel like jumping up and down like a little kid and saying, "that's not fair, I don't do this to you, why are you doing it to me?" Furthermore, I'm not stupid and I love my child. This means I would not do anything to put her in harms way, which I thought people would respect. So in conclusion dear internets, if you think maybe you should tell me I'm doing something wrong, don't. Unless you're a nurse or a mother of three.
Most of my baby friends feel the same way. I've been very lucky to make two good friends with babies a month older than Leila. We went to prenatal yoga together and now we go to mom and baby drop in, and for walks around the neighbourhood. They are lovely, supportive, generous, kind women who I am so grateful to have in my life. We share strategies on dealing with our babies and when asked, say things like, "this worked for me." And it's been so helpful. It doesn't hurt that their babies are absolutely adorable.
That being said, not everyone feels the same way. Some people seem to feel that what they're doing with their child(ren) is the right thing and everyone else should be following them. This makes me ridiculously angry. Mostly, I feel like jumping up and down like a little kid and saying, "that's not fair, I don't do this to you, why are you doing it to me?" Furthermore, I'm not stupid and I love my child. This means I would not do anything to put her in harms way, which I thought people would respect. So in conclusion dear internets, if you think maybe you should tell me I'm doing something wrong, don't. Unless you're a nurse or a mother of three.
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