rhonda ross

Tom's family is wonderful. Really and truly, I would marry him for his family alone, the fact that he's lovely too is just an added bonus. Rhonda, Tom's mom, just left to go home to Ontario after a ten day visit. I'm not sure I can even explain how sad this makes me.

She stayed with us right after Leila was born and when she left I felt like a limb was missing. Who was going to hold Leila while I showered or tied my shoes? Who was going to bring over apple juice without me even asking? This last week has been so much easier with her around. She went with me to get Leila's shots.  We went grocery shopping together. She held the baby while I cooked supper. She told me I was doing a good job. She rocked the baby to sleep when I could do nothing to calm her. She made me feel like what I was doing was important, and that I was doing it well.

Rhonda and a sleeping Leila in Kelowna this weekend 

after she took her for a walk so I could take a nap.

Rhonda and Ray will be back in August, but in the meantime I feel like I'm back to doing it alone. I know I can call and we can email each other, but it's not the same. There's no way for her to hold the baby over the internet. 

It's not just that Rhonda is helpful and loving to me, she loves Leila more than almost anything on the planet. She likes to watch Leila take a bath and do all her little playing things. She adores her granddaughter so much. It makes me feel like a part of something bigger and better. Tonight we all sat on the bed and Rhonda read Leila Good Night Moon. I didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as you love your children, but seeing Rhonda with Leila I get the sense that maybe you get to feel that incredible, all-consuming love again when you have grandchildren. 

Today Rhonda was telling me a story about a man who was complaining that although it was sunny right then the weather forecast said it was going to rain, to which she responded, "well isn't it lovely that it is so warm and sunny out right now!" So I guess instead of crying over how much I miss Rhonda, I should be grateful to have such a kind, generous and loving mother in law. And I am. Her love and support keep me going.

four monthday

Dear Leila,

Today you are four months old. We had such a good day today even though it was raining and awful and we didn't leave the house. You've decided it's ok to fall asleep in my arms again which is really nice and it makes nap time so much easier. You've also learned to roll over though you've only done it twice now. You still don't like it much when I put you down, but you do really like lying on the bed cuddling, playing and reading stories. This afternoon we read a book about space that belonged to me when I was little. I think it might have been a little over your head, but you really liked the pictures of the Sun and Mercury.

Right now you think I'm the awesomest thing in the world and that's a pretty special feeling. You smile when I talk and reach out to grab my face when I kiss you. For the record, I think you're the most special thing in the world too. There is absolutely nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you, and I hope you always know that.

xoxoxox

Mom

Afternoon cuddles are the best kind of cuddles.

gypsy baby version 2.0

So we're taking Leila to Kelowna for the weekend to attend aunt Anne's graduation. This might not seem like a big deal, but the last time I took Leila out of town she screamed the entire time. I'm not even kidding. I went to see my parents and I only made it one day because she screamed bloody murder from the moment we got off the ferry to the moment we got back on. Maybe she doesn't like islands? She was only two and half months old then though, and today, today she is four months old! Hopefully, this will make a world of difference.

Flail Blog

Last night, like most nights, Leila woke up at some point just enough to thrash around like a fifteen pound salmon out of water. Tom and I lay there giggling about how much noise she was making. Then Tom turned to me and said, "you should probably change the name of your blog to flailblog.com."

only in dreams

I had this terrible dream last night that I let something bad happen to Leila. As dreams go, the details today are somewhat unclear, but somehow I let her get burned before I understood what was going on. Once I understood it was too late and I knew she was going to die. The people in my dream were trying to convince me it would be alright, I could have another one, one who would be less work, who wouldn't cry as much, but I was trying to pick her up out of the fire and hold her to me and she bravely was trying to smile.  All that was left of her was the dimple of her right cheek as she smiled at me.

I've been haunted by the memory of this dream all day. I've held her solid, warm little body to my chest and inhaled the smell of her skin, her hair. Yet somehow the specter of her pain has hung over me making me feel guilty for something I haven't done. Maybe it is the weight of the unconscious, my fears and doubts I haven't let pass through my lips taking shape in a dream.  As though part of me wished her out of existence. I love her more than anything in the universe. I love her so hard I feel like my chest is going to crack from the internal pressure. But it's not easy going and sometimes, at five in the morning, I've wished I could have it all back the way it used to be.

When I was very small my grandmother used to tell me that she wouldn't trade me for all the rice in China. And upon reflection, I realize that I wouldn't trade Leila for all the late nights out, for all the travels and adventures, for all the glasses of wine, for all the late mornings in the world.

back-seat parenting

I try hard not to back seat parent other peoples' children. It's hard enough when you haven't slept in five million years and you're having however many zillions of challenges with breastfeeding/getting them to sleep/teething without someone offering unsolicited advice. If someone asks, I'll tell them what I think, but I don't just throw my two cents in because I've been a mother for four months. I figure it takes longer than four months of doing just about anything to get good at it, so I should just hold my peace.

Most of my baby friends feel the same way. I've been very lucky to make two good friends with babies a month older than Leila. We went to prenatal yoga together and now we go to mom and baby drop in, and for walks around the neighbourhood. They are lovely, supportive, generous, kind women who I am so grateful to have in my life. We share strategies on dealing with our babies and when asked, say things like, "this worked for me." And it's been so helpful. It doesn't hurt that their babies are absolutely adorable.

That being said, not everyone feels the same way. Some people seem to feel that what they're doing with their child(ren) is the right thing and everyone else should be following them. This makes me ridiculously angry. Mostly, I feel like jumping up and down like a little kid and saying, "that's not fair, I don't do this to you, why are you doing it to me?" Furthermore, I'm not stupid and I love my child. This means I would not do anything to put her in harms way, which I thought people would respect. So in conclusion dear internets, if you think maybe you should tell me I'm doing something wrong, don't. Unless you're a nurse or a mother of three.

Somebody has doubled in weight since birth. Leila is currently fourteen pounds and seven ounces of serious chub.