only in dreams

I had this terrible dream last night that I let something bad happen to Leila. As dreams go, the details today are somewhat unclear, but somehow I let her get burned before I understood what was going on. Once I understood it was too late and I knew she was going to die. The people in my dream were trying to convince me it would be alright, I could have another one, one who would be less work, who wouldn't cry as much, but I was trying to pick her up out of the fire and hold her to me and she bravely was trying to smile.  All that was left of her was the dimple of her right cheek as she smiled at me.

I've been haunted by the memory of this dream all day. I've held her solid, warm little body to my chest and inhaled the smell of her skin, her hair. Yet somehow the specter of her pain has hung over me making me feel guilty for something I haven't done. Maybe it is the weight of the unconscious, my fears and doubts I haven't let pass through my lips taking shape in a dream.  As though part of me wished her out of existence. I love her more than anything in the universe. I love her so hard I feel like my chest is going to crack from the internal pressure. But it's not easy going and sometimes, at five in the morning, I've wished I could have it all back the way it used to be.

When I was very small my grandmother used to tell me that she wouldn't trade me for all the rice in China. And upon reflection, I realize that I wouldn't trade Leila for all the late nights out, for all the travels and adventures, for all the glasses of wine, for all the late mornings in the world.