I'm having a hard time lately. My parents have decided they're furious with me for reasons I don't understand and don't think are as serious as they do. All my life I've tried not to make them angry except for a few times when I was a teenager when I pretended I didn't care. But I do care. I still care. I hate it when they decide they're not speaking to me. It makes me feel like I have a hole in the center of who I am.
They're not bad people. They work hard and they try hard, but it's like their idea of who I am supposed to be never added up to who I actually am. And every time they're reminded of this they get angry. This time it's different. This time, I'm a parent too. Granted, they've been doing it for twenty four years longer than I have, but I still know what it feels like to love a child. I know that Leila and I will eventually have disagreements, even fights, but I also know that my job is to love her no matter what. My love for Leila is boundless and unconditional, and I will try to remember that at all times.
My mother's father, my grandfather, would occasionally get mad and her and inform her he wasn't speaking to her and I remember how it made her feel. She would be so sad and empty. I remember feeling protective of her and angry at him for hurting my mother. I wonder if she remembers this. I wonder what it is my parents see when they think of me. It's taken me years and years not to see myself as deeply flawed and awful. But I know I'm not. Years ago, my counsellor made me draw up a list of ten things I liked about myself. It took me hours, and I'm pretty sure one of them was, "I like my impeccable taste in Star Treks, TNG forever!"
I want to make peace with my parents. I want to prevent this from happening in the future. I want Leila to know her grandparents. But if I can't have that, then I want to find the strength to let go, to know that I am good person whether or not my parents tell me.
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Oh Jocelyn, I'm so sorry that they're still not speaking to you. From everything I know, it is not warranted. Although, really, when is giving your child the silent treatment for an extended period of time warranted? It seems unfair and immature and I'm truly sorry. I'm so happy though that you have Tom's family who I'm sure are going to love you unconditionally, forever. And I may not be blood but I think of you and Tom and Leila as family, so you can count on me! Hang in there, I love you.
ReplyDeleteHey Joss,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this with your parents, especially so close to the holidays. Just remember that you're a wonderful mother and friend, and your extended family thinks the world of you. You're the best thing since peppermint mochas (sorry, I know that's not the best comparison, but on a day like today, it says alot!) Keep your chin up, you've made your own awesome little family that loves you for you.
parents are stubborn. if they are that stupidly childishly angry with you, that's just proof how much they stupidly and childishly love you to bits. i promise. this takes forever to figure out. i still forget. they'll come around. but it's not your job to chase after them either. it's your job to see yourself as wonderfully as your husband sees you and your friends and that little baby girl.
ReplyDeleteThanks you guys. It really means a lot to me. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Jocelyn.
ReplyDeleteI wanted you to know, I support your TNG preference. If someone asked me to make that list, it would also be on mine. I don't think I know anyone else who would put that on such a list, so I think maybe we should talk ST TNG someday.
xo