the sound of silence

I have never met anyone of any age who fights sleep like Leila. Tom once pointed out that its like she thinks she's dying every time she tries to fall asleep. As I write this she is screaming in the background, in foreground Simon and Garfunkle are doing a shitty job drowning her out.

She's exhausted, but she won't fall. Not in my arms, not eating. There's seemingly nothing I can do to make her happy right now. You know those fleeting "what if" thoughts you have that you know you would never act on? I've more than once thought of leaving a note on a the door that just says, "She wouldn't stop crying, I'm sorry." And then I would take off and run away somewhere where I could sleep for eight hours straight.

On our honeymoon she fought sleep so much we gave up eventually and decided we'd just have to let her cry it out. We'd get her to sleep, no joke, ten times but every time we put her down or stopped touching her or stopped "shhhhing" her she would wake right back up. Anyway, the hotel was really well sound-proofed. When she was in the bedroom I could barely hear her in the other room. Our house is pretty much the opposite. I feel like I'm right next to her screaming, purple face. I go in every ten or so minutes and tell her I love her and that she's breaking my heart, for all the good it does.

In case you were wondering, this sucks.