city of ghosts

Last night I went out and had a couple of drinks with some friends. It was a nice night out so my friend and I decided to walk home, but it seemed like every street I took lead me further into the past, closer the ghosts of who I was. Even two blocks from my house I heard my name being called and turned around and was face to face with someone I hadn't seen since I was seventeen and going to punk rock shows at Seylynn Hall. And I didn't want to be recognized, didn't want to be reminded. I want to walk to the park with my daughter and not remember that once I sat on those same swings waiting for a boy.

I know it's impractical to pick up and move your life because you have a child, but still. There's part of me that doesn't want to explain that that is who I am now, I just want to be it.

seven months and bit

Dear Leila,

This seventh month with you is pretty wonderful. You're crawling all over the place on your stomach like a baby commando, getting into all sorts of trouble. You especially like to eat plants. I've pulled countless leaves out of your mouth and who knows how many more that I missed. All the house plants currently reside in one hard to reach corner of the apartment. Who knows what we'll end up doing with them...any need a plant  or two?

You've decided that you really like the baby swing at the park, we stop and play on it for a while almost every day. I confess that I get bored of it long before you do. Today after we played on the swings we sat on the grass and ate dried mango. You thought it was super delicious until you discovered grass and dirt and you were all, "woman, why have you been holding out on me, this stuff is delicious!!!"

Your dad and I have moved our bed into the living rooms so you can have your space. In other words, you have become an obnoxiously light sleeper and wake up when one of us rolls over. It's not exactly an interior decorator's dream, but at least we're all getting a bit more sleep.

Your best friend right now is Norton. You laugh and smack your hands onto whatever surface is nearby whenever he walks near you, and given your eating habits, he often waits nearby to catch falling crumbs from whatever you're eating.

You're a pretty wonderful little human being. I am so glad I'm you're mom.

the sound of silence

I have never met anyone of any age who fights sleep like Leila. Tom once pointed out that its like she thinks she's dying every time she tries to fall asleep. As I write this she is screaming in the background, in foreground Simon and Garfunkle are doing a shitty job drowning her out.

She's exhausted, but she won't fall. Not in my arms, not eating. There's seemingly nothing I can do to make her happy right now. You know those fleeting "what if" thoughts you have that you know you would never act on? I've more than once thought of leaving a note on a the door that just says, "She wouldn't stop crying, I'm sorry." And then I would take off and run away somewhere where I could sleep for eight hours straight.

On our honeymoon she fought sleep so much we gave up eventually and decided we'd just have to let her cry it out. We'd get her to sleep, no joke, ten times but every time we put her down or stopped touching her or stopped "shhhhing" her she would wake right back up. Anyway, the hotel was really well sound-proofed. When she was in the bedroom I could barely hear her in the other room. Our house is pretty much the opposite. I feel like I'm right next to her screaming, purple face. I go in every ten or so minutes and tell her I love her and that she's breaking my heart, for all the good it does.

In case you were wondering, this sucks.

turns out those Christians were onto something...

So it turns out that getting married with a baby is really complicated, who knew right? It was a spectacular day and I'm so happy I got to share it with my friends and family. So many people put in a little something extra to make it magic. The food was amazing, my entourage of hair and makeup were wonderful and I couldn't believe it when my friend Kate showed up via seaplane. Kudos to all those who helped with her conspiracy, it really made my day.

The following is brief survival guide to getting married with a baby:

1. Make sure to have one grandmother on hand at all times, two is better.
2. Wear a dress that you can comfortably attach a baby carrier over.
3. Plan on carrying either baby or a bouquet, not both.
4. Find an easy access dress for nursing or you will look like a contortionist while you're trying to feed your baby.
5. Do not put brightly coloured flowers in your hair, this will only encourage your baby to pull at your hair.
6. Do allow saintly relatives to take your screaming child away from you for a few minutes while you eat dinner.
7. Acknowledge that when someone says, "what a lovely dress" they are probably talking about your baby's.
8. Do not expect to be carried over the thresh hold while you are carrying baby and your husband follows behind like a dutiful Sherpa with his arms full of all of the baby's paraphernalia.
9. Do get a two room suite for your honeymoon, this will mean you can actually have a conversation after 8pm.
10. Don't let this list stop you from getting married with a baby, it is still a totally wonderful and rewarding experience.

The latest in cake cutting accessories.